If You Don't Know Where You're Going (You Might End Up Somewhere Else)

Greetings, y'all! 👋😄 

The title is from a song, but it sort of sums up my life (or at least how some things in my life, like these blog posts, have gone so far 😄). 

At some point in our lives, we come to crossroads and have to decide which direction we're going to take. Most of the time, what lies in either direction is a big unknown, and making major life decisions based on the unknown is scary. It's tempting to just "stay put", because at least "here" is familiar (and all our stuff is "here"), but not moving forward in any direction isn't necessarily a good thing.

I don't have any sage advice to offer (shocker!), because I'm finding myself standing at a crossroads presently, and every direction (forward) has possibilities. And every possibility comes with a huge question mark. 

In one direction, there's music, which has been my true passion for as long as I can remember (seriously). I love listening to music, I love playing music, and I especially love playing music with other musicians. I've posted about that previously, and you can find it on this blog.

In another direction, there's "professional development", which I feel like I should pursue, since tech skills improve my chances of employment should my current gig end (which, as an independent contractor, is something that could happen at any time). For the most part, I really do enjoy my job (most likely because I have awesome coworkers), and it pays the bills and puts food on the table.

Except for reminiscing over the good times, I'm not looking backwards. I can't change the past, and to be honest, I wouldn't want to if I could. Everything that's happened in the past has played a part in making me who I am today or taught me a lesson I needed to learn (the lessons weren't always pleasant, either).

I don't know what my future holds, at least as far as my earthly future. As a woman of faith, I believe there's "life after life". I pray for direction and guidance - it's the "waiting on the Lord" that's tough. 😉 I've been shown, time after time, that God provides, and I believe that He will continue to do so. I just need to stay in my lane. 😉

Be blessed, and be a blessing. ✌💓🙏😊

Megan

Nights I Can't Remember (Friends I'll Never Forget)

Greetings, y'all. 👋😊 

This (Monday) evening, I made a trip to the funeral home to pay my respects to one of my best school friends, Amanda, who passed away at too young of an age from health-related issues. We had drifted apart after she graduated high school, but we reconnected through Facebook about 14 years ago, and we kept in touch through social media and the occasional "Walmart reunion". Our lives had taken different paths, but there was still a thread connecting us that remained unbroken.

As is too often the case, funerals (and wakes) are occasions for reunions with old friends, and this one was no exception. I met up with 2 of my other best school friends (one of whom I hadn't seen since she and her family moved away in 1990-ish), and although we all agreed the circumstances sucked, we were all glad to see each other again. A bittersweet meeting, for sure. We visited over dinner, reminiscing about old times and catching up a little on where we are now. The visit wasn't nearly long enough, but the time we did spend together was so nice. 😊

Michelle, Tee, and me 4.8.2024

I really don't remember how I ended up becoming a part of their group, but I guess "like calls to like" in some subconscious way, and we were all, in our own ways, "outside the norm" among our peers. Regardless of how it came to be, these girls welcomed me into their circle and I found a place where I didn't have to put up a front and pretend to be someone I wasn't (even though I was still trying to find out who I was). I didn't feel judged for being fat, poor, smart, or liking band, and they turned me on to different metal bands that I probably wouldn't have listened to otherwise (which eventually led to me meeting my husband). 

We had sleepovers at Amanda's house, and we spent a lot of time talking, listening to music, talking some more, hanging out, and just "being". We never really did much of anything (that I would admit to) that would've gotten us into real trouble. 😄 Most of the time we spent together was at school during and after lunch. They were a couple years ahead of me, so we didn't have classes together, but lunch was "all grades", and I always looked forward to getting to sit with my friends and hanging out. 😊 We went to a few school dances (there were several during the school year, informal affairs) where we were our own "in crowd". 😄

Back, L-R: Me, Michelle, Amanda, Tee. Front, L-R: James (Amanda's cousin), Chris (also Amanda's cousin). The guys weren't anyone's dates, they were just down for pictures. 😄

Between parents' job transfers and graduations, our little group scattered to the winds, and I lost touch with them for a while. I made a few new good friends, and life moved on, but I never forgot about these girls. We eventually found each other again through social media. Amanda still lived in the area, so when we'd see each other "out & about", we'd chat and catch up (those "Walmart reunions" 😄). Even though we hadn't seen each other in years, we all sort of picked up where we left off, and it was almost like old times again. 😊

As I've gotten older, I've come to realize that we don't have as much time on this earth as we think we do, and there's not a thing wrong with telling your friends, "I love you!" (Yes, guys, this includes y'all, too!). There have been too many times that I didn't tell people I cared about that I loved them when I had the chance to, and then any chance was gone. 

Tell the people you care about that you love them (tell 'em!), be in the pictures (even if you're not feeling photogenic), go in for the hug ("bro hugs" and awkward side hugs are acceptable, too). Don't look back and wish you had, "if only...". 

I love you! 🤗    

Be blessed, and be a blessing! ✌💖🙏🤗

Megan

Dim Lights, Thick Smoke (And Loud, Loud Music)

Greetings, y'all! 👋😄

How 'bout ya? 😄 Welcome to March (that seems to be on a greased rail)! 

I realize the thumbnail for this post will be a blurry train, which doesn't go with the title, but oh, well. 😄

I've started and deleted this post a couple times, trying to figure out how to talk about how playing music and singing has been such an important part of my life, and how much I really miss doing it. Maybe this will be a "third time's the charm" effort, but I'll still probably end up sounding like one of those "woo-woo", breathy, "oh-so-spiritual", "it's an experience" people (which, honestly, I kinda am on some things). 😄 Anyway...

I've pretty much immersed myself in music for the past month, and during that time, while all those memories came flooding back, I realized that I haven't really listened to much music for pleasure in a long time. It's been probably 5 or 6 years now since I've sat with headphones on my ears and just filled my head with songs. That's really kind of sad, thinking about it. I almost always have a song running through my mind, but it's not the same as listening.

The other thing I haven't done much of is singing. Or thinking about songs I'd like to sing. Or figuring out arrangements for songs I'd like to sing. Between life happenings and covid, the part of me that loves to do those things got pushed back into the corner to gather dust. I'd like to get that part of my life back.

Me & Jeff LeBlanc in 2016 at Artmosphere in Lafayette, LA. The song was "Summertime", and it was a moment. I also had hair then. 😉

I'm planning to pull out my songbook and work up some arrangements, and maybe do a little home recording. I don't have anything fancy to work with, but I'll make do with what I have. 😊

Note: I don't have an old-school tape recorder or cassettes. I do have a smartphone and a recording app, however. 😉

I've spent a lot of time in "Bayou Self", both before and after covid, and while it helps with my creativity, like when I'm working on arrangements or learning new songs, there's something missing when it comes to performing. What's missing is the collaboration that happens when musicians get together and join their separate parts into something beautiful that reaches out and touches the listeners. 

This may sound contradictory coming from a singer, but I'm really not one who wants all the attention on myself. What really lights my fire and gives me the motivation to give the best of what I have to give is performing with others. I've had the opportunity to sit in with top-notch musicians, and I can only describe the experience as magical. 

I could go on and on, waxing poetic about the wonderment of making music with likeminded people, but I'll spare you, dear reader. 😄 What I will say is that it's been a dream of mine, and it took me a long time to get past my fears and find my voice. I got a small taste, and it was even more wonderful than I had imagined it could be. The only real comparison I have is finding the love of your life and feeling complete. Making music with others is a notch lower than that. 😉 

I was almost in reach of achieving my dream, but evidently the time wasn't right (or the circumstances weren't right), because when I reached out, the answer was "No."

I'd be lying if I said I didn't take it personally at the time. I've since come to understand that it wasn't totally about my abilities (or any perceived lack thereof), but it still stings a little. I did pull back quite a bit, and of course the covid lockdowns put a huge damper on live music for a while, and when things started opening back up, I had other things going on in my life that kept me away from the scene. 

I haven't given up on my dream, although I have adjusted my horizons a bit. I don't need or want fame and fortune (and let's be real, here - I'm not young any more), just a few musicians who want to play and sing some songs together and make musical magic happen. ♫💖♫

Be blessed, and be a blessing! ✌💓🙏😊

Megan

Don't Know What You Got ('Til It's Gone)

Greetings, y'all! 👋😄

Here we are again, fixing to close out another month. 🎉🥳 February has simultaneously flown by and creeped along (how it does that is a mystery). It's been an interesting month, for sure. 😒 

I was "going through it" in my last post, and I'm relieved to say that I made it through to the other side. 🙌 There's still some work to do, but I'm in a much better place now than I was a couple weeks ago. The heaviest of heavy lifting is done. 😊

Since I got a formal ADHD diagnosis and began treatment, my "journey" on the path of self-improvement (and self-discovery) seems to have hit the fast track in some ways. Without all the mental distractions getting in the way, I've been able to sort through stuff and figure out what's important and what can be either back-burnered or discarded. It's been enlightening, to say the least. 

Overall, I'm not unhappy with how my life has gone so far. Of course, there are things I wish I had done differently, but looking at the big picture, I've been incredibly blessed, and I have very few regrets. 

During all this self-discovery/self-improvement, the issue that continually pops up is my inability to prioritize myself and my own wellbeing over everyone else's. Now, I'm not talking about the type of self-centered, "It's all about me and screw everyone else" prioritization. What I'm talking about is convincing myself that my needs, my feelings, my wants don't matter. At all.

I don't know when, exactly, I developed that mindset (or why), but it's been a running theme throughout my life so far, and I've come to realize that it's very destructive. 

We've all been taught not to be selfish and to think of others, and generally speaking, that's not a bad lesson to learn. We should consider how our words and actions will affect others, because we're all connected as humanity. Where things break down is the idea that never thinking of yourself is somehow virtuous. (Ironically, being "unselfish" can become selfish, because putting everyone else first becomes part of your identity.) 

Anyway, I spent a lot of time and energy doing for everyone else and ignoring my own needs because I didn't want to be labeled as "selfish". It didn't matter that I was feeling burnt out (or used in some cases), I just resigned myself to the idea that "it is what it is", and it was easier to just go with whatever than to stand up and say, "No." and have to deal with the fallout. "Keeping the peace" is a lie we tell ourselves so that we don't have to confront the fact that the "peace" is really just letting people walk all over us.

Eventually, I found myself burnt out, used up, and empty. And still, I was being asked to give more, do more, be more of what had become expected of me, and I had nothing left. Not only was my mental health suffering, my physical health was starting to deteriorate. At a certain point I realized that if I didn't take a step back, I was going to end up seriously ill. 

Making the decision to prioritize my health and wellbeing wasn't easy. I knew there would be pushback, and I knew that some people would be upset that they weren't going to be "number 1" any more. I had to learn to be okay with that, and for the most part, things have worked out. 

I'm still learning how to "take care of me" so that I can take care of others in a way that is beneficial for everyone. I know there will be times when I'll have to handle things that are unpleasant or uncomfortable because I won't really have a choice, but being able to recognize when I do have a choice has been a huge positive.

If you're always putting yourself in last place, take some time to consider what that is accomplishing in your life. If you're content with how things are going, great! If you find yourself at the end of your rope, however, you might want to step back and reassess your priorities. Are you trying to pour from an empty cup?

Be blessed, and be a blessing! ✌💓🙏😊    

Megan

When You're Going Through It (You Got to Keep Going)

Greetings, y'all! 👋😊

Please excuse the grammatically incorrect title (I'm not changing it, by the way. 😉). 

Are you "going through it"? Maybe you've "been through it", or maybe you're "still in it" but you're "almost through it". Whatever "it" is, I think we've all experienced the struggle. 

https://www.deviantart.com/alexvanderlinde/art/Stormy-Sea-238814509

I mentioned having a personal struggle in my last post and having to take some unplanned time off to deal with it. 

I was "going through it", and it was pretty rough. 

I won't get into the nitty gritty, but I was dealing with some large feelings. On the heels of those large feelings came old memories and some unpleasant realizations. 

I didn't exactly want to deal with any of it (Who would?). In the past, I would have either shoved those feelings, memories, and realizations down and ignored them, or I would have ruminated on them and continued the downward spiral feeling sorry for myself. 

Don't get me wrong, I was tempted to do both (I'm ashamed to say.), but for the past few years, I've been on a journey to confront those parts of myself that I don't like and make positive changes so that I can be a better wife, mother, friend, and Christian. I can tell you, it's hard work, and I can't do it on my own. I've had to lean on my faith, pray, and surrender to God (I promise, I won't get too "preachy".)

Anyway, I had a choice to make, and I chose to take the hard path of facing "it". I lost a lot of sleep, and I shed a lot of tears. Instead of ducking and dodging each "thing" that came flying at me, I braced up and took each one full-force, grabbing hold and acknowledging it. I wrote for hours. I prayed for guidance, for illumination, and for strength. As I battled the past, my prayers were answered; God guided me through each moment, illuminated it with His light of Truth, and gave me the strength to face the next one. 

I was "in the middle of it", and I was exhausted.

If you've ever dealt with strong emotions, you know that it can feel like going 10 rounds with Mike Tyson. You end up feeling wrung out like an old dishrag and thrown down in a heap like dirty clothes. Doing a full day of hard, physical labor is less tiring than fighting a war in your own mind and heart (And you usually have something nice to show for physical labor, like a stack of firewood or a manicured lawn. The head stuff usually only results in red, swollen eyes and a snotty nose.).

I'll admit, there were many times that I wanted to stop the grueling ride and get off. It would have been a lot easier to just say, "Nope. I'm done with this mess." and try to forget everything that ever happened. But God said, "Nope. You're not done with 'this mess'. You asked Me to get you through it, and I'll drag you kicking and screaming if I have to. Sit down, shut up, and let Me help you deal with it." (He didn't say that in so many words, but you get the point.).

So I sat down, I shut up, and I kept my arms inside the ride through the darkness. 

Eventually, I came to the place where everything was laid out in the open, and I could see what I had been avoiding. There were a lot of little things that each by itself wasn't great, but it wasn't terrible. However, because I chose to avoid/ignore the little things, they grew into big things, and those big things coalesced into huge things, as I did everything I could to shove them into a closet and lock them away. As with real-life closets, you can only shove so much into them before the door busts open and everything comes tumbling out.

Y'all, I was gutted. Laid before me was years of wasted opportunities, misguided intentions, misdirected efforts, and a mountain of pain I was responsible for piling on the people I love. You talk about feeling lower than dirt! 

As I surveyed the landscape, so to speak, I prayed for forgiveness; for every time I ran away from responsibility, for every time I pushed back against my loved ones who wanted to love me "through it", for every time I didn't see that my loved ones needed me to love them "through it", for all the unintentional slights, for thinking that I had to handle everything on my own, for not considering how my rash decisions would affect anyone else, and for a lot more than that. 

"Have mercy upon me, O God, according to your lovingkindness; according to Your tender mercies, blot out my transgressions." (Psalm 51:1) 

God reminded me, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9), and "Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever." (1 Chronicles 16:34)

I was "still in it", but I was "almost through it", and I was hopeful.

It may seem strange to feel hopeful and thankful for having been shown all the times you messed up big time, and for all the pain you caused, but if you don't know (or won't confront) what the problems are, you can't move forward toward a resolution. 

Identifying the areas that need improvement, then working through them to make the necessary changes has been uncomfortable at best, and excruciatingly painful at worst. But the relief and peace on the other side of it is worth it.

None of this has been easy, and I still have some hard work ahead of me. There's a degree of uncertainty in outcomes, but a path has been made clear, and I have to keep going. 

If you're "going through it", don't give up. You got to keep going. 

Be blessed, and be a blessing! 😊

Megan

I Don't Repeat Gossip (So Listen Close the First Time)

Greetings, y'all! 👋😄 

I hope the week has treated you well. 😊 I had a bit of a struggle mid-week and had to take a little unplanned time off, but things seem to be back on track, and I'm feeling pretty good. 😊👍

I was scrolling through my Instagram (all ten posts) the other day and came across (😆*snort*) this post I made about a year ago:

I posted it as a sort of (?) snarky response to an offline incident that really rubbed me the wrong way, to put it mildly. The details aren't important, but I got to thinking about gossip and judgment, and how even the kindest, most well-intentioned people can inadvertently hurt others by having what they think is just a regular ol' conversation.

There are folks out there who will take the "juicy" bits from these mostly innocuous chats and tuck them away until they get the chance to toss them out like precious stones to a new audience. 

Those people enjoy hearing about others' misfortunes, and they enjoy the attention they get when they drop these little bombshells. They get off on the shocked gasps, the clutched pearls, and the "Nooooo! Really???"s. It gives them a smug sense of superiority.

It's bad enough that this type of person exists among the general population, but it's even worse when this type of person goes to church and claims to be a Christian. 

We're all familiar with "The Church Lady", Dana Carvey's holier-than-thou, morally upright, church-going woman of God:

I think most churches have their own "Church Lady" (mine does not... any more). She's in church every time the doors are open, and she's in charge of organizing the church potluck. She claims to be BFFs with the pastor's wife. She knows all the books of the Bible (but not many verses), and she knows all the hymns in the hymnal (except the ones she doesn't like). She's on every committee (that's important), and she volunteers to collect donations for the orphans in Apalachicola (wherever that is). She's such a good person!

The mask starts to slip, however, when the pastor calls out for prayer requests. The Church Lady always has a name or three ready, and she waits for one or two people to voice their requests before she delivers her gossip-disguised-as-a-prayer-request: 

"Y'all, please pray for my son to find another job. He's drowning in his wife's credit card debt."

"We need to pray for precious baby Kyleigh. Her mother needs to go to rehab because she's bad on drugs."

"I want to thank the Lord that my family hasn't been torn apart by homosexuality like the Nelsons'." 

Having done her duty to inform the congregation on who needs prayers (and why), she sits back and listens for the whispers and murmurs, and she'll linger a bit after the service to answer questions from the curious. 

After church, she'll go to Applebee's for lunch and offer sympathy to the server for having to work on a Sunday ("It's such a shame that they have you working on Sunday! They should be closed so people can go to church!"), then she'll leave a dollar tip and a tract about the evils of doing business on The Lord's Day. 

The "Church Lady" and scenario I just described is a caricature, but there are elements of her that exist in real people. I've witnessed the "gossip-disguised-as-a-prayer-request" during a church service more than once. As the kids say, "It's so cringe." (kids probably don't say that any more).

The point is (finally), everyone has something going on in their life that is difficult to handle. It may be debt, or drugs, or a family member's sexuality, or the loss of a spouse to cancer. No matter the issue, passing judgment on others' difficult situations instead of praying for them or offering support (in whatever form that may take) only serves to add more difficulty to their lives. Passing judgment is not beneficial, it's not kind, and it's not a Christian's job. 

Be blessed, and be a blessing! ✌💓🙏😊

Megan

This Far And No Farther (Good Fences Make Good Neighbors)

Greetings, y'all! 👋😄 

That line in the sand up there represents something I've struggled with for probably most of my life. 

sigh Okay, most of my life so far.  

That line represents a boundary. Until relatively recently, I didn't have many boundaries, and the ones I did have were frequently easily crossed (because I allowed them to be, even when I didn't want to).   

Why, yes, you may step over that line I just laid down. I'm smiling on the outside, but inside I'm like, really not happy about this. But no, go ahead. It's cool. It's really not, but I'll pretend it is, because I hate confrontation.

It took a rather biting comment my husband made toward someone else to open my eyes and see how much of my time and energy was being spent running around putting out everyone else's fires, and how little I had left to put out my own. I had been neglecting the needs of my immediate family to keep other people from being disappointed/hurt/mad at me if I said, "No."

I didn't change my people-pleasing ways overnight, however. It took a couple more years before I could "respectfully decline" without hyperventilating (much). Honestly, I'm still working on setting firm boundaries with varying degrees of success. 

One thing I learned is that a dropped hint doesn't have to be picked up. I discovered that I was, intentionally or not, being manipulated into handling things that other people didn't want to handle themselves. What I thought was me being helpful was really me enabling others to avoid doing something they didn't want to do. And a lot of times I didn't really want to do it, either. 

Another thing I learned is that my "particular sets of skills" do not always fit with "skills-adjacent" tasks. For example, I'm a musician; I play piano and I sing, and I do pretty well at both (though not necessarily at the same time 😉). Because of this, I've been asked a few times to teach music lessons individually, and once to lead  groups of kids for the music portion of VBS. I discovered that while I am a fairly decent musician, I am not a teacher.  

I have great admiration for people who have the ability to impart their knowledge to others in a way that people understand and learn something. But I kinda knew that  was out of my wheelhouse. I said, "Sure!" a few times, anyway, because, "people-pleasing". I had pretty well made up my mind that me teaching/leading was not going to be beneficial for anyone, so when the VBS request came up, I declined and only felt a little bit guilty for saying, "I'm sorry, but no." I'm sure people were disappointed, but I'm grateful to them for respecting my "No."

Those two examples are rather mild, but they were small victories that enabled me to eventually begin to strengthen my boundaries on the more serious stuff (which I will spare you in this post). 

Having healthy boundaries is a good thing, but if you don't enforce those boundaries, they're just suggestions. 

It's sort of like having a little flimsy fence around your house to keep just anyone from coming into your yard, but your neighbors want to use your yard for a party, so they just step over it and come in anyway. You don't want them in your yard, but they make a fuss and say you're not being very neighborly, so you relent, because you don't want to be un-neighborly. At first it's just 2 or 3 people, but eventually the whole neighborhood is partying in your yard.

Your unwanted guests start demanding lawn chairs and lemonade, and they're trashing the place up and complaining that you're not cleaning up after them. You run yourself ragged accommodating these people and smoothing over their hurt feelings. 

Meanwhile, (back at the ranch) your family hasn't seen you for more than a few minutes at a time, and you haven't been able to sit down and rest because as soon as you do, someone outside wants something. You're torn in two, because you're trying to accommodate the people outside so they won't start a riot. The people inside (who are supposed to be your priority) need your care and attention, but they can't get you to stop tending to everyone else, and no one is happy (and you're about to drop dead from the stress). 

Here's the thing - you intended the fence to define your space and to keep uninvited guests out, but by not stopping people from jumping over it (because you wanted to "keep the peace" and be "neighborly"), it became a decorative hurdle to overcome, instead of a boundary that could not be crossed. 

What you need is a tall, sturdy fence with a gate (Or a wall and a moat with a drawbridge; whatever works). When pushy neighbors come calling to party down, they're stopped at the gate, and can't just waltz into your yard and take the place over.

They may fuss and cuss and call you selfish and self-centered. They may even call you - GASP! - un-neighborly! 😱 

Because the fence is tall and sturdy (or the moat is deep and filled with alligators), and the gate is closed and locked (or the drawbridge has "mysteriously" gotten stuck in the up position), your space is not only defined, it is protected. You and your family (your immediate family) can enjoy your own yard in peace, and you can decide when (or if) your yard is available for the neighborhood gala. 

There may be people who are unhappy that your fence keeps them out, but the ones who really matter, who love and care about you, understand why the fence is there, and they'll wait for an invitation to come inside. Good fences make good neighbors, and healthy boundaries that are enforced make your life more peaceful.

Be blessed, and be a blessing! ✌💓🙏 

Megan