When You're Going Through It (You Got to Keep Going)

Greetings, y'all! 👋😊

Please excuse the grammatically incorrect title (I'm not changing it, by the way. 😉). 

Are you "going through it"? Maybe you've "been through it", or maybe you're "still in it" but you're "almost through it". Whatever "it" is, I think we've all experienced the struggle. 

https://www.deviantart.com/alexvanderlinde/art/Stormy-Sea-238814509

I mentioned having a personal struggle in my last post and having to take some unplanned time off to deal with it. 

I was "going through it", and it was pretty rough. 

I won't get into the nitty gritty, but I was dealing with some large feelings. On the heels of those large feelings came old memories and some unpleasant realizations. 

I didn't exactly want to deal with any of it (Who would?). In the past, I would have either shoved those feelings, memories, and realizations down and ignored them, or I would have ruminated on them and continued the downward spiral feeling sorry for myself. 

Don't get me wrong, I was tempted to do both (I'm ashamed to say.), but for the past few years, I've been on a journey to confront those parts of myself that I don't like and make positive changes so that I can be a better wife, mother, friend, and Christian. I can tell you, it's hard work, and I can't do it on my own. I've had to lean on my faith, pray, and surrender to God (I promise, I won't get too "preachy".)

Anyway, I had a choice to make, and I chose to take the hard path of facing "it". I lost a lot of sleep, and I shed a lot of tears. Instead of ducking and dodging each "thing" that came flying at me, I braced up and took each one full-force, grabbing hold and acknowledging it. I wrote for hours. I prayed for guidance, for illumination, and for strength. As I battled the past, my prayers were answered; God guided me through each moment, illuminated it with His light of Truth, and gave me the strength to face the next one. 

I was "in the middle of it", and I was exhausted.

If you've ever dealt with strong emotions, you know that it can feel like going 10 rounds with Mike Tyson. You end up feeling wrung out like an old dishrag and thrown down in a heap like dirty clothes. Doing a full day of hard, physical labor is less tiring than fighting a war in your own mind and heart (And you usually have something nice to show for physical labor, like a stack of firewood or a manicured lawn. The head stuff usually only results in red, swollen eyes and a snotty nose.).

I'll admit, there were many times that I wanted to stop the grueling ride and get off. It would have been a lot easier to just say, "Nope. I'm done with this mess." and try to forget everything that ever happened. But God said, "Nope. You're not done with 'this mess'. You asked Me to get you through it, and I'll drag you kicking and screaming if I have to. Sit down, shut up, and let Me help you deal with it." (He didn't say that in so many words, but you get the point.).

So I sat down, I shut up, and I kept my arms inside the ride through the darkness. 

Eventually, I came to the place where everything was laid out in the open, and I could see what I had been avoiding. There were a lot of little things that each by itself wasn't great, but it wasn't terrible. However, because I chose to avoid/ignore the little things, they grew into big things, and those big things coalesced into huge things, as I did everything I could to shove them into a closet and lock them away. As with real-life closets, you can only shove so much into them before the door busts open and everything comes tumbling out.

Y'all, I was gutted. Laid before me was years of wasted opportunities, misguided intentions, misdirected efforts, and a mountain of pain I was responsible for piling on the people I love. You talk about feeling lower than dirt! 

As I surveyed the landscape, so to speak, I prayed for forgiveness; for every time I ran away from responsibility, for every time I pushed back against my loved ones who wanted to love me "through it", for every time I didn't see that my loved ones needed me to love them "through it", for all the unintentional slights, for thinking that I had to handle everything on my own, for not considering how my rash decisions would affect anyone else, and for a lot more than that. 

"Have mercy upon me, O God, according to your lovingkindness; according to Your tender mercies, blot out my transgressions." (Psalm 51:1) 

God reminded me, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9), and "Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever." (1 Chronicles 16:34)

I was "still in it", but I was "almost through it", and I was hopeful.

It may seem strange to feel hopeful and thankful for having been shown all the times you messed up big time, and for all the pain you caused, but if you don't know (or won't confront) what the problems are, you can't move forward toward a resolution. 

Identifying the areas that need improvement, then working through them to make the necessary changes has been uncomfortable at best, and excruciatingly painful at worst. But the relief and peace on the other side of it is worth it.

None of this has been easy, and I still have some hard work ahead of me. There's a degree of uncertainty in outcomes, but a path has been made clear, and I have to keep going. 

If you're "going through it", don't give up. You got to keep going. 

Be blessed, and be a blessing! 😊

Megan