Don't Know What You Got ('Til It's Gone)

Greetings, y'all! 👋😄

Here we are again, fixing to close out another month. 🎉🥳 February has simultaneously flown by and creeped along (how it does that is a mystery). It's been an interesting month, for sure. 😒 

I was "going through it" in my last post, and I'm relieved to say that I made it through to the other side. 🙌 There's still some work to do, but I'm in a much better place now than I was a couple weeks ago. The heaviest of heavy lifting is done. 😊

Since I got a formal ADHD diagnosis and began treatment, my "journey" on the path of self-improvement (and self-discovery) seems to have hit the fast track in some ways. Without all the mental distractions getting in the way, I've been able to sort through stuff and figure out what's important and what can be either back-burnered or discarded. It's been enlightening, to say the least. 

Overall, I'm not unhappy with how my life has gone so far. Of course, there are things I wish I had done differently, but looking at the big picture, I've been incredibly blessed, and I have very few regrets. 

During all this self-discovery/self-improvement, the issue that continually pops up is my inability to prioritize myself and my own wellbeing over everyone else's. Now, I'm not talking about the type of self-centered, "It's all about me and screw everyone else" prioritization. What I'm talking about is convincing myself that my needs, my feelings, my wants don't matter. At all.

I don't know when, exactly, I developed that mindset (or why), but it's been a running theme throughout my life so far, and I've come to realize that it's very destructive. 

We've all been taught not to be selfish and to think of others, and generally speaking, that's not a bad lesson to learn. We should consider how our words and actions will affect others, because we're all connected as humanity. Where things break down is the idea that never thinking of yourself is somehow virtuous. (Ironically, being "unselfish" can become selfish, because putting everyone else first becomes part of your identity.) 

Anyway, I spent a lot of time and energy doing for everyone else and ignoring my own needs because I didn't want to be labeled as "selfish". It didn't matter that I was feeling burnt out (or used in some cases), I just resigned myself to the idea that "it is what it is", and it was easier to just go with whatever than to stand up and say, "No." and have to deal with the fallout. "Keeping the peace" is a lie we tell ourselves so that we don't have to confront the fact that the "peace" is really just letting people walk all over us.

Eventually, I found myself burnt out, used up, and empty. And still, I was being asked to give more, do more, be more of what had become expected of me, and I had nothing left. Not only was my mental health suffering, my physical health was starting to deteriorate. At a certain point I realized that if I didn't take a step back, I was going to end up seriously ill. 

Making the decision to prioritize my health and wellbeing wasn't easy. I knew there would be pushback, and I knew that some people would be upset that they weren't going to be "number 1" any more. I had to learn to be okay with that, and for the most part, things have worked out. 

I'm still learning how to "take care of me" so that I can take care of others in a way that is beneficial for everyone. I know there will be times when I'll have to handle things that are unpleasant or uncomfortable because I won't really have a choice, but being able to recognize when I do have a choice has been a huge positive.

If you're always putting yourself in last place, take some time to consider what that is accomplishing in your life. If you're content with how things are going, great! If you find yourself at the end of your rope, however, you might want to step back and reassess your priorities. Are you trying to pour from an empty cup?

Be blessed, and be a blessing! ✌💓🙏😊    

Megan

When You're Going Through It (You Got to Keep Going)

Greetings, y'all! 👋😊

Please excuse the grammatically incorrect title (I'm not changing it, by the way. 😉). 

Are you "going through it"? Maybe you've "been through it", or maybe you're "still in it" but you're "almost through it". Whatever "it" is, I think we've all experienced the struggle. 

https://www.deviantart.com/alexvanderlinde/art/Stormy-Sea-238814509

I mentioned having a personal struggle in my last post and having to take some unplanned time off to deal with it. 

I was "going through it", and it was pretty rough. 

I won't get into the nitty gritty, but I was dealing with some large feelings. On the heels of those large feelings came old memories and some unpleasant realizations. 

I didn't exactly want to deal with any of it (Who would?). In the past, I would have either shoved those feelings, memories, and realizations down and ignored them, or I would have ruminated on them and continued the downward spiral feeling sorry for myself. 

Don't get me wrong, I was tempted to do both (I'm ashamed to say.), but for the past few years, I've been on a journey to confront those parts of myself that I don't like and make positive changes so that I can be a better wife, mother, friend, and Christian. I can tell you, it's hard work, and I can't do it on my own. I've had to lean on my faith, pray, and surrender to God (I promise, I won't get too "preachy".)

Anyway, I had a choice to make, and I chose to take the hard path of facing "it". I lost a lot of sleep, and I shed a lot of tears. Instead of ducking and dodging each "thing" that came flying at me, I braced up and took each one full-force, grabbing hold and acknowledging it. I wrote for hours. I prayed for guidance, for illumination, and for strength. As I battled the past, my prayers were answered; God guided me through each moment, illuminated it with His light of Truth, and gave me the strength to face the next one. 

I was "in the middle of it", and I was exhausted.

If you've ever dealt with strong emotions, you know that it can feel like going 10 rounds with Mike Tyson. You end up feeling wrung out like an old dishrag and thrown down in a heap like dirty clothes. Doing a full day of hard, physical labor is less tiring than fighting a war in your own mind and heart (And you usually have something nice to show for physical labor, like a stack of firewood or a manicured lawn. The head stuff usually only results in red, swollen eyes and a snotty nose.).

I'll admit, there were many times that I wanted to stop the grueling ride and get off. It would have been a lot easier to just say, "Nope. I'm done with this mess." and try to forget everything that ever happened. But God said, "Nope. You're not done with 'this mess'. You asked Me to get you through it, and I'll drag you kicking and screaming if I have to. Sit down, shut up, and let Me help you deal with it." (He didn't say that in so many words, but you get the point.).

So I sat down, I shut up, and I kept my arms inside the ride through the darkness. 

Eventually, I came to the place where everything was laid out in the open, and I could see what I had been avoiding. There were a lot of little things that each by itself wasn't great, but it wasn't terrible. However, because I chose to avoid/ignore the little things, they grew into big things, and those big things coalesced into huge things, as I did everything I could to shove them into a closet and lock them away. As with real-life closets, you can only shove so much into them before the door busts open and everything comes tumbling out.

Y'all, I was gutted. Laid before me was years of wasted opportunities, misguided intentions, misdirected efforts, and a mountain of pain I was responsible for piling on the people I love. You talk about feeling lower than dirt! 

As I surveyed the landscape, so to speak, I prayed for forgiveness; for every time I ran away from responsibility, for every time I pushed back against my loved ones who wanted to love me "through it", for every time I didn't see that my loved ones needed me to love them "through it", for all the unintentional slights, for thinking that I had to handle everything on my own, for not considering how my rash decisions would affect anyone else, and for a lot more than that. 

"Have mercy upon me, O God, according to your lovingkindness; according to Your tender mercies, blot out my transgressions." (Psalm 51:1) 

God reminded me, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9), and "Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever." (1 Chronicles 16:34)

I was "still in it", but I was "almost through it", and I was hopeful.

It may seem strange to feel hopeful and thankful for having been shown all the times you messed up big time, and for all the pain you caused, but if you don't know (or won't confront) what the problems are, you can't move forward toward a resolution. 

Identifying the areas that need improvement, then working through them to make the necessary changes has been uncomfortable at best, and excruciatingly painful at worst. But the relief and peace on the other side of it is worth it.

None of this has been easy, and I still have some hard work ahead of me. There's a degree of uncertainty in outcomes, but a path has been made clear, and I have to keep going. 

If you're "going through it", don't give up. You got to keep going. 

Be blessed, and be a blessing! 😊

Megan

I Don't Repeat Gossip (So Listen Close the First Time)

Greetings, y'all! 👋😄 

I hope the week has treated you well. 😊 I had a bit of a struggle mid-week and had to take a little unplanned time off, but things seem to be back on track, and I'm feeling pretty good. 😊👍

I was scrolling through my Instagram (all ten posts) the other day and came across (😆*snort*) this post I made about a year ago:

I posted it as a sort of (?) snarky response to an offline incident that really rubbed me the wrong way, to put it mildly. The details aren't important, but I got to thinking about gossip and judgment, and how even the kindest, most well-intentioned people can inadvertently hurt others by having what they think is just a regular ol' conversation.

There are folks out there who will take the "juicy" bits from these mostly innocuous chats and tuck them away until they get the chance to toss them out like precious stones to a new audience. 

Those people enjoy hearing about others' misfortunes, and they enjoy the attention they get when they drop these little bombshells. They get off on the shocked gasps, the clutched pearls, and the "Nooooo! Really???"s. It gives them a smug sense of superiority.

It's bad enough that this type of person exists among the general population, but it's even worse when this type of person goes to church and claims to be a Christian. 

We're all familiar with "The Church Lady", Dana Carvey's holier-than-thou, morally upright, church-going woman of God:

I think most churches have their own "Church Lady" (mine does not... any more). She's in church every time the doors are open, and she's in charge of organizing the church potluck. She claims to be BFFs with the pastor's wife. She knows all the books of the Bible (but not many verses), and she knows all the hymns in the hymnal (except the ones she doesn't like). She's on every committee (that's important), and she volunteers to collect donations for the orphans in Apalachicola (wherever that is). She's such a good person!

The mask starts to slip, however, when the pastor calls out for prayer requests. The Church Lady always has a name or three ready, and she waits for one or two people to voice their requests before she delivers her gossip-disguised-as-a-prayer-request: 

"Y'all, please pray for my son to find another job. He's drowning in his wife's credit card debt."

"We need to pray for precious baby Kyleigh. Her mother needs to go to rehab because she's bad on drugs."

"I want to thank the Lord that my family hasn't been torn apart by homosexuality like the Nelsons'." 

Having done her duty to inform the congregation on who needs prayers (and why), she sits back and listens for the whispers and murmurs, and she'll linger a bit after the service to answer questions from the curious. 

After church, she'll go to Applebee's for lunch and offer sympathy to the server for having to work on a Sunday ("It's such a shame that they have you working on Sunday! They should be closed so people can go to church!"), then she'll leave a dollar tip and a tract about the evils of doing business on The Lord's Day. 

The "Church Lady" and scenario I just described is a caricature, but there are elements of her that exist in real people. I've witnessed the "gossip-disguised-as-a-prayer-request" during a church service more than once. As the kids say, "It's so cringe." (kids probably don't say that any more).

The point is (finally), everyone has something going on in their life that is difficult to handle. It may be debt, or drugs, or a family member's sexuality, or the loss of a spouse to cancer. No matter the issue, passing judgment on others' difficult situations instead of praying for them or offering support (in whatever form that may take) only serves to add more difficulty to their lives. Passing judgment is not beneficial, it's not kind, and it's not a Christian's job. 

Be blessed, and be a blessing! ✌💓🙏😊

Megan

This Far And No Farther (Good Fences Make Good Neighbors)

Greetings, y'all! 👋😄 

That line in the sand up there represents something I've struggled with for probably most of my life. 

sigh Okay, most of my life so far.  

That line represents a boundary. Until relatively recently, I didn't have many boundaries, and the ones I did have were frequently easily crossed (because I allowed them to be, even when I didn't want to).   

Why, yes, you may step over that line I just laid down. I'm smiling on the outside, but inside I'm like, really not happy about this. But no, go ahead. It's cool. It's really not, but I'll pretend it is, because I hate confrontation.

It took a rather biting comment my husband made toward someone else to open my eyes and see how much of my time and energy was being spent running around putting out everyone else's fires, and how little I had left to put out my own. I had been neglecting the needs of my immediate family to keep other people from being disappointed/hurt/mad at me if I said, "No."

I didn't change my people-pleasing ways overnight, however. It took a couple more years before I could "respectfully decline" without hyperventilating (much). Honestly, I'm still working on setting firm boundaries with varying degrees of success. 

One thing I learned is that a dropped hint doesn't have to be picked up. I discovered that I was, intentionally or not, being manipulated into handling things that other people didn't want to handle themselves. What I thought was me being helpful was really me enabling others to avoid doing something they didn't want to do. And a lot of times I didn't really want to do it, either. 

Another thing I learned is that my "particular sets of skills" do not always fit with "skills-adjacent" tasks. For example, I'm a musician; I play piano and I sing, and I do pretty well at both (though not necessarily at the same time 😉). Because of this, I've been asked a few times to teach music lessons individually, and once to lead  groups of kids for the music portion of VBS. I discovered that while I am a fairly decent musician, I am not a teacher.  

I have great admiration for people who have the ability to impart their knowledge to others in a way that people understand and learn something. But I kinda knew that  was out of my wheelhouse. I said, "Sure!" a few times, anyway, because, "people-pleasing". I had pretty well made up my mind that me teaching/leading was not going to be beneficial for anyone, so when the VBS request came up, I declined and only felt a little bit guilty for saying, "I'm sorry, but no." I'm sure people were disappointed, but I'm grateful to them for respecting my "No."

Those two examples are rather mild, but they were small victories that enabled me to eventually begin to strengthen my boundaries on the more serious stuff (which I will spare you in this post). 

Having healthy boundaries is a good thing, but if you don't enforce those boundaries, they're just suggestions. 

It's sort of like having a little flimsy fence around your house to keep just anyone from coming into your yard, but your neighbors want to use your yard for a party, so they just step over it and come in anyway. You don't want them in your yard, but they make a fuss and say you're not being very neighborly, so you relent, because you don't want to be un-neighborly. At first it's just 2 or 3 people, but eventually the whole neighborhood is partying in your yard.

Your unwanted guests start demanding lawn chairs and lemonade, and they're trashing the place up and complaining that you're not cleaning up after them. You run yourself ragged accommodating these people and smoothing over their hurt feelings. 

Meanwhile, (back at the ranch) your family hasn't seen you for more than a few minutes at a time, and you haven't been able to sit down and rest because as soon as you do, someone outside wants something. You're torn in two, because you're trying to accommodate the people outside so they won't start a riot. The people inside (who are supposed to be your priority) need your care and attention, but they can't get you to stop tending to everyone else, and no one is happy (and you're about to drop dead from the stress). 

Here's the thing - you intended the fence to define your space and to keep uninvited guests out, but by not stopping people from jumping over it (because you wanted to "keep the peace" and be "neighborly"), it became a decorative hurdle to overcome, instead of a boundary that could not be crossed. 

What you need is a tall, sturdy fence with a gate (Or a wall and a moat with a drawbridge; whatever works). When pushy neighbors come calling to party down, they're stopped at the gate, and can't just waltz into your yard and take the place over.

They may fuss and cuss and call you selfish and self-centered. They may even call you - GASP! - un-neighborly! 😱 

Because the fence is tall and sturdy (or the moat is deep and filled with alligators), and the gate is closed and locked (or the drawbridge has "mysteriously" gotten stuck in the up position), your space is not only defined, it is protected. You and your family (your immediate family) can enjoy your own yard in peace, and you can decide when (or if) your yard is available for the neighborhood gala. 

There may be people who are unhappy that your fence keeps them out, but the ones who really matter, who love and care about you, understand why the fence is there, and they'll wait for an invitation to come inside. Good fences make good neighbors, and healthy boundaries that are enforced make your life more peaceful.

Be blessed, and be a blessing! ✌💓🙏 

Megan 

It Is Well (With My Soul)

Greetings, y'all! 👋😊

In my last post, I talked a little about Toby Keith's passing and how the news made me feel. This isn't going to be a "Toby Keith tribute post", but his death brought some thoughts to the surface that I've had over the past 2 or 3 years, about grief and grieving.

The subject of death and dying isn't usually discussed in "polite company". It's uncomfortable. For some, the notion is terrifying. For others, it's a far-future "someday, maybe" thing that isn't important right now, so let's talk about something else. 

Death can't be hidden away in the corner of a closet. It demands to be acknowledged; it walks right up and gets in your face.  

Dying isn't something that was taboo to discuss in my family growing up. One of my earliest memories is looking down into a casket and seeing an older lady (Mrs. Pace)  laying there. I remember that she was wearing a reddish-orange jacket and a white blouse. She was the wife of an older couple that my mom and dad were friends with. My mom and I were talking one day, many years later, and I asked her how old I was when Mrs. Pace died, and she said I was close to 2 years old (she told me that the reason for the perspective in my memory is because my dad was holding me in his arms next to the casket). She said that she felt that making death scary for or a secret to be kept from children was doing a disservice to kids, because eventually, everyone will have to face it.

A lot of my extended family were in the older generations, and between the ages of 2 and 13, I attended a lot of funerals. Most died as old people, some with cancer, some with other "old people" ailments. One cousin was killed testing a new race car he'd built, and he was "young" at age 45. Three of my 4 grandparents died between 1985 and 1987, with both my grandfathers dying within 6 months of each other. My mom's sister, who was my "second mom" died in 1988. 

While all of these deaths were heartbreaking, being allowed and encouraged to talk about it made it a lot less frightening, and it made room for grieving to be a part in healing.

Grieving and grief are different for everyone, and there's no timeline or map to follow. Grief is not something you "get over", and grieving is not something that has an end date. It's not linear. It's uncomfortable to witness, and it can seem to be overwhelming to experience, because it can be so isolating. 

It's encouraging to see that more people are being open about their grief and their journey through the grieving process. I follow 2 people on Facebook who lost their respective spouses about a year ago. One is a friend, the other is a celebrity, but both have been very open with what their day-to-day looks like, including the "ugly" days. Their posts have been enlightening, and in addition to connecting with others who are on the same journey, they give us "bystanders" a clue on how we can be supportive to them, as well as some things we may experience in the future. Is it uncomfortable? Absolutely. For both sides. But it's necessary to confront our discomfort and turn it into compassion.

We keep our loved ones alive in our hearts and minds by talking about them, sharing who they are with others. Whether they are a "regular person", or a superstar, they walked among us; they lived, they loved, and they were (and are) loved in return. ✌💓🙏

Be blessed, and be a blessing!

Megan

I Love This Bar (It's My Kind of Place)

Greetings, y'all! 👋😄

Don't let the title fool you. I won't be talking about a bar in this post. 😉 To be honest, I will probably talk about a little of this and a little of that, and maybe it'll all tie in together somehow. More'n likely, though, it'll probably look like this:

I had a birthday Monday. 🎉🥳 I began my last year in my 40s, and I'm actually pretty happy about it. 😊 I've never been one to lie about my age. I've never said, "Oh, I'm 29 and holding." or "Forever 39!" or "I'm 21 and change!" I'll proudly shout, "I'M 588 MONTHS OLD!" (I bet you didn't expect to have to do math. 😉) Overall, I had a good birthday, and I'm looking forward to what this year brings. 😊

Tuesday morning, scrolling through Facebook (as I do), I was punched in the gut seeing this post:

That he died on my birthday just made the hit that much harder. 

I became a fan of Toby Keith's around 2005, when his "Honkytonk University" album came out. I was aware of him and had heard a few of his older songs (and seen those 10-10-220 commercials he was in with Terry Bradshaw 😄), but I wasn't really "into" country music at the time. I don't know what it was about him and his music, but when I started paying attention, I was hooked. There haven't been many artists that I've felt compelled to buy their back catalog to "catch up", but TK was one of the very few whose music resonated with me to that extent. I never got to see him live in concert, but I don't feel like I really needed to. He was a great songwriter, he had a terrific sense of humor, and he came across as real. He's gone on to his reward, but his music will keep him alive in the hearts of his fans.

The rest of Tuesday didn't really improve, as I had to continue attempting to help a family member handle some business that has been a thorn for the past 2 years. I used up all my "polite" and "professional" on that task, and by the end of the day, the problem still wasn't resolved. 😒 And I only got about 2 hours of paid work done. It's been a long time since I've felt so defeated and just DONE. 😢 

This morning (Wednesday), I felt a little better, and I managed to do some actual work. The other business will have to wait a day or 2, though, because I have to focus on my job...

Sometimes I have a whole post in me in one sitting, and sometimes I lose the thread and have to set it aside for a while. 🤷

It's currently just after 1 a.m. on Sunday, February 11th. 

Thursday was relatively productive, and I managed to get more actual work done. Thursday night was miserable, and I got no sleep at all. I logged in to work at 4 a.m. Friday morning instead of tossing and turning like a rotisserie chicken, and I got a bit accomplished before I had to take an important phone call at 8 a.m. Another important phone call was supposed to happen at 10 a.m., but for unknown reasons, it didn't happen until 2:30 p.m. Both calls went well, and a couple things that had been back-burnered for way too long are now handled and quite a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. 🙌

I'm glad that the week is over, to be honest. Here's hoping that next week will be better. ✌💓🙏😊

Be blessed, and be a blessing!

Megan