This Far And No Farther (Good Fences Make Good Neighbors)

Greetings, y'all! 👋😄 

That line in the sand up there represents something I've struggled with for probably most of my life. 

sigh Okay, most of my life so far.  

That line represents a boundary. Until relatively recently, I didn't have many boundaries, and the ones I did have were frequently easily crossed (because I allowed them to be, even when I didn't want to).   

Why, yes, you may step over that line I just laid down. I'm smiling on the outside, but inside I'm like, really not happy about this. But no, go ahead. It's cool. It's really not, but I'll pretend it is, because I hate confrontation.

It took a rather biting comment my husband made toward someone else to open my eyes and see how much of my time and energy was being spent running around putting out everyone else's fires, and how little I had left to put out my own. I had been neglecting the needs of my immediate family to keep other people from being disappointed/hurt/mad at me if I said, "No."

I didn't change my people-pleasing ways overnight, however. It took a couple more years before I could "respectfully decline" without hyperventilating (much). Honestly, I'm still working on setting firm boundaries with varying degrees of success. 

One thing I learned is that a dropped hint doesn't have to be picked up. I discovered that I was, intentionally or not, being manipulated into handling things that other people didn't want to handle themselves. What I thought was me being helpful was really me enabling others to avoid doing something they didn't want to do. And a lot of times I didn't really want to do it, either. 

Another thing I learned is that my "particular sets of skills" do not always fit with "skills-adjacent" tasks. For example, I'm a musician; I play piano and I sing, and I do pretty well at both (though not necessarily at the same time 😉). Because of this, I've been asked a few times to teach music lessons individually, and once to lead  groups of kids for the music portion of VBS. I discovered that while I am a fairly decent musician, I am not a teacher.  

I have great admiration for people who have the ability to impart their knowledge to others in a way that people understand and learn something. But I kinda knew that  was out of my wheelhouse. I said, "Sure!" a few times, anyway, because, "people-pleasing". I had pretty well made up my mind that me teaching/leading was not going to be beneficial for anyone, so when the VBS request came up, I declined and only felt a little bit guilty for saying, "I'm sorry, but no." I'm sure people were disappointed, but I'm grateful to them for respecting my "No."

Those two examples are rather mild, but they were small victories that enabled me to eventually begin to strengthen my boundaries on the more serious stuff (which I will spare you in this post). 

Having healthy boundaries is a good thing, but if you don't enforce those boundaries, they're just suggestions. 

It's sort of like having a little flimsy fence around your house to keep just anyone from coming into your yard, but your neighbors want to use your yard for a party, so they just step over it and come in anyway. You don't want them in your yard, but they make a fuss and say you're not being very neighborly, so you relent, because you don't want to be un-neighborly. At first it's just 2 or 3 people, but eventually the whole neighborhood is partying in your yard.

Your unwanted guests start demanding lawn chairs and lemonade, and they're trashing the place up and complaining that you're not cleaning up after them. You run yourself ragged accommodating these people and smoothing over their hurt feelings. 

Meanwhile, (back at the ranch) your family hasn't seen you for more than a few minutes at a time, and you haven't been able to sit down and rest because as soon as you do, someone outside wants something. You're torn in two, because you're trying to accommodate the people outside so they won't start a riot. The people inside (who are supposed to be your priority) need your care and attention, but they can't get you to stop tending to everyone else, and no one is happy (and you're about to drop dead from the stress). 

Here's the thing - you intended the fence to define your space and to keep uninvited guests out, but by not stopping people from jumping over it (because you wanted to "keep the peace" and be "neighborly"), it became a decorative hurdle to overcome, instead of a boundary that could not be crossed. 

What you need is a tall, sturdy fence with a gate (Or a wall and a moat with a drawbridge; whatever works). When pushy neighbors come calling to party down, they're stopped at the gate, and can't just waltz into your yard and take the place over.

They may fuss and cuss and call you selfish and self-centered. They may even call you - GASP! - un-neighborly! 😱 

Because the fence is tall and sturdy (or the moat is deep and filled with alligators), and the gate is closed and locked (or the drawbridge has "mysteriously" gotten stuck in the up position), your space is not only defined, it is protected. You and your family (your immediate family) can enjoy your own yard in peace, and you can decide when (or if) your yard is available for the neighborhood gala. 

There may be people who are unhappy that your fence keeps them out, but the ones who really matter, who love and care about you, understand why the fence is there, and they'll wait for an invitation to come inside. Good fences make good neighbors, and healthy boundaries that are enforced make your life more peaceful.

Be blessed, and be a blessing! ✌💓🙏 

Megan